Is It Broken Or Just Bent?....

There are all different kinds of break ups. There's the temper tantrum break up which usually happens after a fight or one person is really pissed off. There's the natural death break up that happens either when both parties agree that the relationship has run it's course or when there has been too much damage to invest anymore time and energy to keep beating a dead horse. Then there is this; the sad, confusing break up that neither party is happy about and it doesn't feel done. Which brings me to my question how do you know when the relationship is honestly and truly done if it doesn't feel like it is. Is that feeling your heart telling you to just to give the storm time and space to pass or is it just wishful thinking because your not ready and really don't want it to be over?
 It's sad, so sad because our own words, pride and insecurities keep that answer from coming. Out of hurt feelings and or anger we say things in the moment that we really don't mean and then unfortunately we back ourselves into a corner that we don't know how to get out of or have the courage to try and get out of. After you have outright told the person that you love to leave you alone and not contact you, every time your phone goes off or you get a random email, you wish with your entire being that it's them...At least I do anyway and that is a very sad, lonesome feeling not to mention heartbreaking when it's not them. Communication is always important in every aspect of life but now that I am in this situation it takes on a whole other meaning. My ex (even just typing the words "my ex" took my breath away) anyway, since we broke up we've been on this tumultuous roller coaster a lot of things have been said, done and assumed but at least 85% of it has been bullshit and I'm calling bullshit because most of it has been reactions to the others nonsense. I don't think either of us have actually put our genuine feelings out on the table. We've just played the roles and said the lines we thought we should say, and that is terrible. Especially for us, since jumpstreet we had a pact that we would always keep it real with each other, right away we showed the other the darkest, worst broken parts of ourselves, warts and all and for us to have sold out and resorted to this ridiculous posturing is not just absurd but more importantly heartbreaking. Not at any point has he ever asked me what I want, the answers would probably surprise him but because of this stupid play we're putting on for each other a molehill has become a looming impossible mountain.
   Is it really over? I'm not sure, but what I am sure about is that I don't want it to be, I don't want him to leave me alone and I'm also sure that if it is over it really didn't need to be. That is the saddest part of all of it, that our own shared stupidity, assumptions, pride and stubbornness pulled us apart